


the whole way home

by breadtome



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Pregnancy, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:00:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26437600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breadtome/pseuds/breadtome
Summary: “Hi, I’m Jen. I’m thirty. My husband and his mother just died in a car accident because of some idiot driver, and...”She glanced around the circle, noted eight sets of eyes widening at once. They were probably thinking she belonged in a different kind of support group.“I’m two months pregnant.”
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	the whole way home

“Hi, I’m Jen. I’m thirty. My husband and his mother just died in a car accident because of some idiot driver, and...”

She glanced around the circle, noted eight sets of eyes widening at once. They were probably thinking she belonged in a different kind of support group. 

“I’m two months pregnant.” 

It was likely closer to ten weeks. How was she supposed to know how fucking pregnancy worked? A late period, five pee-on-a-stick tests to be sure and a mother in law who insisted on signing her up for _Magnificent Mothers: Supporting Each Other Through Pregnancy_ before she had even seen a doctor. Jen had every intention of skipping it. There was nothing magnificent about motherhood and she knew seeing a bunch of slowly rounding women wasn’t going to change her mind.

Still, something forced her out of bed and into her car that afternoon. 

“So, yeah.” Jen shrugged. “I don’t know what else to say without bumming everyone out. Maybe someone else should go.”

The group leader, Vivian, thanked her and motioned for the pumpkin of a woman sitting next to her to introduce herself. It seemed like every woman in the group, including Vivian, was much further along than Jen. 

The only other person who wasn’t showing sat across from her, wearing a long flowing dress and rings on almost every finger. She seemed genuinely interested in what everyone had to say, as if motherhood really was the most magnificent thing in the world. Jen had never heard so many ooo’s and ahh’s come out of one person. From what she remembered of the introduction she gave, Jen thought she might also be a single mother. The phrase made her want to throw up, or maybe throw herself in front of a bus. She wouldn’t be a single mother if Ted hadn’t decided to take his mother out for brunch on a fucking Tuesday. 

For the next hour, there was talk of cravings, clothes that were too tight, gender reveals and stretch marks. There wasn’t much structure to the group. Because everyone was at different stages, they all simply shared their own experience. Jen tuned in and out, still struggling to grasp this strange, new reality. These women were hopeful and felt blessed to be bringing life into the world. 

Jen felt like an intruder, hating the very thing that was the cause of their joy. When it was over, she walked quickly away, got into her car and sat still for a long time. From day one, she had considered getting rid of it. She never wanted a baby, and she especially didn’t want to take care of a baby _alone_ . Knowing that it was the only remaining piece of Ted didn’t change her mind. _It_ wasn’t anything. Jen knew she’d be a shit mother, and all she had to do was make the appointment. 

A quick knock on the driver's side window made her gasp and grip the steering wheel. 

“Jesus, fuck!” Jen looked to her left to see one of the women from the group smiling and waving at her. 

“Hi! I’m sorry. Did I scare you?” 

It was the one who had sat across from her and also didn’t look pregnant. Her bangs, cut straight across, suited her face. Fifty percent smile, fifty percent bangs. Jen thought she’d probably never had another style of haircut in her life. 

“Hey... Julie, was it?” She said as she rolled down her window. 

“Judy.” 

Jen raised an eyebrow. Did she ever stop smiling? When Jen didn’t say anything, Judy continued. 

“I know you didn’t talk a lot today, but I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for what happened. I’m sure it’s hard to listen to everyone sound so excited when you’re dealing with a loss.” She paused and then corrected herself. “ _Two_ losses. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.” 

She’d never consider Lorna a _loss_ , but Jen thought it was nice of Judy to say something. It sounded different than the usual condolences she got with a sad nod and a pat on the shoulder. 

“Thanks. It was pretty shitty, but not too bad I guess. I almost didn’t come.” 

“Was it either this, or cry in the bathtub?” 

Jen snorted. “Actually, yeah. That’s about right.” 

“Well, I hope you come next time, too.” Judy’s voice was quiet and encouraging. “It will be nice to have another single mom around.” 

“I don’t know yet,” Jen told her honestly. She felt bad imagining Judy’s big bambi eyes looking around for her at the next group meeting. “But hey, my morning sickness is more like midnight sickness, so if you ever want to call me, I’m around.” After fumbling around in her purse for a business card, she looked up to see Judy grinning back at her. “Really, I’m never doing anything.” 

Judy gripped the card in both hands and held it to her chest like it was precious. She opened her mouth, surely to say something about how excited she was, but before she could get anything out Jen interrupted her. 

“Do you want to... hang out?”

“Now?” Judy looked hesitant. Not because a stranger was inviting her into their car, but because there was a possibility the invitation might not be sincere. 

“Yeah.” She felt stupid for asking it. They weren’t fifteen, but there was no going back now. Waiting for Judy to call seemed pointless when she was already right here. Was this what grief and pregnancy were doing to her? Inviting random people over to “hang out” because she couldn’t take another second of being alone? Pretty fucking pathetic. 

“Oh, wow! Yes, sure. Okay. Should I…” Judy pointed to the passenger’s side of the car. 

“Get in? Yeah. You didn’t drive here or anything?” 

“No. It’s okay. I walked.” 

Jen couldn’t imagine from where, but Judy looked like the kind of person who enjoyed walking. 

“You’re not a serial killer, are you?” She asked as Judy got in and buckled her seatbelt. 

“Definitely. Women from pregnancy groups are kind of my thing.” Judy’s eyes were sparkling. 

“Shit, me too. Rock, paper, scissors to see who kills first?” 

There was a pause before Judy spoke again. 

“Magnificent Murderers,” she whispered, and for a single moment Jen was laughing. 

\- 

“Do you want anything to drink? Water, or...” 

Jen glanced around the fridge, frowning. The only other thing to drink in the fridge was wine. Her eyes lingered on the bottle. At this point Jen thought she might as well get rid of it; all it ever did was tempt her. She caved early on, soon after she found out about Ted, but surely a few glasses couldn’t do that much damage to a baby? 

“There’s fuck all in here.” 

“That’s okay.” Judy smiled. “Water’s fine. Your house is beautiful by the way.” 

Jen handed her a bottle and watched as she took in her surroundings. It _was_ a nice house. Ted had money, but that wasn’t all. Her mother died when she was 19 and her father soon after at 21. Her grandfather, somehow outlasting them both, died when she was 25. Everything she had could be attributed to wills and life insurance policies. The house didn’t seem so nice when everyone she loved most had died to give it to her. 

“Thanks.” 

She led Judy to the couch, sat down and turned on the TV for background noise. Whatever she had been watching earlier was now replaced by a marathon of _Survivor_. 

“I know you’re not that far along, but how have you been feeling? You didn’t say much in the group so I was curious to know your symptoms.” Judy tilted her head, briefly glancing down towards Jen’s stomach. It made sense that she would ask about the baby first. As of now, it was the only thing they definitely had in common. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.” Judy misunderstood the way her eyebrows pinched together. “We can talk about something else?” 

“No, no. It’s okay. It’s probably too early for me to even be going to pregnancy groups. I’m not sure how far along everything is. I do feel nauseous at night though, and my tits hurt constantly. A fucking Subway commercial made me cry the other day.” Jen smiled. She could see Judy was holding back a laugh, but probably wanted to spare her feelings. 

“Did you always want kids?” 

Jen shook her head. 

“We never planned on it. I met Ted in college. Our whole relationship was like... _there’s no one in the world but us_. He didn’t have a big family. I don’t either, so it just never really felt important. It didn’t seem so bad though, when we found out.” She said wistfully. “We weren’t doing great before. Nothing in particular, just stupid marriage shit. I’d never be one of those psychos who gets pregnant just to fix their relationship, but he seemed happier when we found out.” Surprisingly, it felt better to talk about it. She’d kept everything in so tightly that it was good to let some of it go. Judy was a stranger. What did it matter what she thought of Jen’s dumb life? “What about you? Did your guy die, or was he just an asshole who left?” For a moment it occurred to her that Judy could have found a sperm donor and chosen to be pregnant on her own. It was so easy to assume some piece of shit man was involved. 

“I was engaged, but it didn’t work out.” Judy said sadly. “It’s okay though. A baby would make me happy enough on its own. I’ve thought about being a mom since I was a little girl.” Her smile returned in full force, and she scooted closer to Jen on the couch. “I had a baby doll that I carried everywhere until I was 13. Her name was Molly.” 

“What makes you so sure?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Jen looked over at her, taking in Judy’s face fully for the first time. She hadn’t noticed before how pretty she was. 

“I mean, how do you _know_ you want to be a mom? What if it’s not all it’s cracked up to be?” 

“I don’t know. I just think it’s beautiful.” Judy was smiling, but there was something else behind her eyes that Jen couldn’t explain. “You get to take care of them, watch them grow. You can teach them things and see them become their own person. Even just being able to _make_ a baby... Our bodies are amazing!” 

"You’re leaving out the blood and the screaming and busting my vag open beyond recognition.” 

Judy shrugged. 

“But then you _see_ them and forget all of that. Little fingers and toes...” 

They were both quiet for some time after that, turning their attention to the TV they had only been half watching. The contestants were competing in an obstacle course to see who would win immunity from elimination. 

After hearing Judy talk so earnestly about motherhood, Jen was eager to change the subject. The whole conversation had stirred something in her that she wasn’t quite ready to face. Instead, she decided to stuff it back down, smother it until it tried to resurface. 

“I have a question for you, Judy. A _very_ serious question.” 

“Hmm?” 

“Would you fuck Jeff Probst?” 

Judy’s mouth fell open. She laughed and looked at the TV, her face turning thoughtful as she studied the host carefully. 

“I mean...” 

“One hundred percent, right?” 

“Oh, totally. The man hasn’t aged in like fifteen years.” 

Jen laughed. 

“You’d think with all the fucking sun he gets he’d be shriveled up by now.” 

They finished the episode and watched three more after, pausing only to order pizza when Jen’s stomach growled. After some prying, Judy admitted to only liking cheese on her pizza, but Jen was fine with that. It was the first time she felt excited to eat anything in weeks. 

Even after the sun had set, neither of them seemed to notice the time. Jen reached for another slice of pizza. Having seconds was unheard of lately; she only hoped it wouldn’t come back to bite her in the ass later. As she chewed, she heard a soft sound from beside her and risked peeking over at Judy. She smiled. In the episode they were currently watching, the remaining contestants got to visit with a family member, and Judy was quietly crying at the reunions. When it was over, Jen looked at her phone for the first time in hours. 

“Shit, I didn’t realize how late it was.” 

“Sorry, I should go.” 

“I’m not trying to throw you out,” Jen reassured. “I just didn’t know if you had to work in the morning or something.” She paused. “You could stay over if you want?” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, why not. No one has actually stayed in the guest bedroom in a while, but everything’s all made up.” 

“Okay,” Judy smiled. She helped Jen tidy the garbage from their food, and then followed when she led her upstairs. 

“You probably want something comfier to wear to sleep.” Jen showed her through her bedroom and into the walk-in closet. A quarter of it was still filled with men’s clothes. She opened a drawer and motioned to Judy. “There’s sweats, nightgowns...” 

“Business casual?” Judy teased, pointing to the matching sets of silk pyjamas. 

Jen laughed. “I know. I don’t wear them a lot, but something about matching pyjamas makes me feel like I have my shit together. Here,” she said, taking out a black set and handing them to Judy. 

“Wow, these are soft.” 

“Now that I think about it, the sheets in the guest bedroom might be silk, too. You’re going to slide right out.” Jen led her to the door and pointed down the hall. “Your room is the first one on the left there. It has its own bathroom so you can shower or whatever. There’s towels...” 

It felt weird to try and play host. Anyone who had ever stayed over was a friend of Ted’s. 

Judy thanked her and stepped into the hall. 

“Thanks for inviting me over today. I’m really glad we met.” 

“Yeah, me too. It was fun.” 

They stood in silence, sharing one final smile before parting ways.

Later, when she gave up tossing and turning and stared at the ceiling instead, Jen realized just how much she had shut down in the last month. Today she felt more like herself. She had been drowning, and it was nice to break the surface and breathe again, even just for the night. 

\- 

In the morning, Judy was gone. Jen was surprised to see the guest bedroom empty with her pyjamas folded neatly at the end of the bed. Before she could worry too much, she found a note on the kitchen counter that apologized for the quick departure. Judy had to work early this morning and didn’t want to wake Jen. She thanked her again for the day before and left her phone number at the bottom of the note, promising to talk later. 

Jen ate a banana and stood around the kitchen. She did laundry, rode on her exercise bike for an hour, took a shower and pretended she wasn’t waiting around for her phone to ring. Jen worried that it might be different now. Would their new friendship disappear? Would they go about their own lives and never speak again until the next _Magnificent Mothers_ meeting? 

Judy didn’t keep her waiting long. She called on her lunch break, apologizing again for sneaking out. 

“Where do you even work?” Jen wondered. There was still so much she didn’t know. 

“Beach Haven Assisted Living. They let me stay in one of the rooms here, so normally I don’t get caught doing the walk of shame.” Even through the phone Jen could hear Judy smiling. “What about you?” 

Everything flowed naturally from there. Jen filled her in on as much as she could in the hour Judy had for lunch, telling her about her job in real estate that was currently on hold. They had been almost _too_ understanding, promising she could come back whenever she was ready. It had only ever been a job to her, though she enjoyed being good at it. Judy helped out in all kinds of ways at the old folks home, but her favourite part was teaching the art class. Her love of painting was obvious. Jen thought Judy would be the kind of teacher that would make you feel good about your art even if it was shit. 

Jen tried not to sound disappointed when Judy’s lunch break was over and she had to hang up. The time seemed to fly by, and the hours between now and when Judy would be free again were sure to drag. She didn’t work every day, but it just so happened she’d offered to help out with more today than she normally would. 

At 7 o’clock, the phone rang again. 

“Miss me?” 

-

They talked on the phone almost every day after that. 

Before she met Judy, Jen didn’t need to wonder what her day would be like; she knew it would be full of distractions, or sobbing when all her attempts at distracting failed. She rarely left the house and spent all her time feeling suffocated by her own anxiety. In the two weeks that she’d known Judy, Jen had gone to the beach, out for numerous lunch dates, and even to a weird hippy market where Judy bought most of her clothes. On paper they seemed like a weird match, but somehow they evened each other out. Where Jen was cynical and quick to judge, Judy saw good in everyone and everything. She was a soft summer breeze, warm and inviting. It fascinated Jen just to watch her out in the world. 

To Jen’s great relief, their pregnancies didn’t come up as often as she thought they would. Once, Judy warned her about drinking too much caffeine. Sometimes, she would stare just a little too long when a woman passed with a stroller. Otherwise, Jen remained in comfortable denial. 

Until she made the mistake of telling Judy she hadn’t seen a doctor. 

“You haven’t seen a doctor yet?” Jen had never seen her look so concerned. “You definitely should have been to your first prenatal appointment by now!” 

“Ew, Judy. Don’t say _prenatal._ ” 

“I’m serious! What if something was wrong? You have to go.” 

Jen sighed. She was right of course. By now, they could probably see if her baby was missing an arm or a leg. Not that Jen really cared _how_ it was doing. She would go to great lengths to avoid any chance of acknowledging it. Any mirror that showed her full body was a no, and she didn’t look down in the shower (or at all if she could help it). Her bump was barely a bump. If she looked hard enough or dared to touch it, she would see that her stomach had changed ever so slightly. For now she wouldn’t think about why. It was a cheesy burrito that had bloated her and made her jeans tight; it was all her years of drinking catching up with her. Going to the doctor would be a true test of her denial. What would she do when they gave her a fucking picture of it? 

“Fine.” 

She made the appointment. 

\- 

In her mind, Jen had imagined every TV and movie depiction of pregnancy where they squirt blue jelly on your stomach and then _aw, a baby!_ Obviously they would need to run tests, but she hadn’t quite prepared herself for all the poking and prodding. They did a full physical, weighed her and took her blood pressure, followed by a pap test. She gave both urine and blood samples. Jen was asked about her medical and family history. From the date of her last period and estimate of conception, she was around 12 weeks along. 

By the time they got to the jelly-squirting, she was exhausted of the whole process. She felt bad for Judy in the waiting room, even though she did tell her she didn’t have to come. Judy insisted. 

“Do you want me to explain what I’m doing as we go?” The ultrasound tech was a nice enough woman, but she seemed to sense how hesitant Jen was. “We’re just checking to see that Baby is growing and make sure everything looks good in there.” 

“It’s okay, just... do your thing. Let me know after.” Jen stared at the ceiling. From the corner of her eye, she could see the black and white image on the screen next to her. It started shifting as the doppler was slowly dragged along her stomach. Still, she didn’t look. The room was silent for twenty minutes. 

“Now, we’ll just listen to the heartbeat...” 

Jen almost sat straight up in the bed. Heartbeat? Her own was racing, and she closed her eyes tight as the soft _wub wub wub wub_ filled the room. 

The ultrasound tech started to explain how everything looked great, the size of the baby’s head and limbs were normal, and Baby was growing at the correct pace. Jen’s ears started to ring. Her breath came out in quick pants, and the tech’s remaining words were nothing but murmurs in the distance. 

She fainted. 

When she came to, the room was bright. 

“I’m fine,” Jen promised as she sat up. The heartbeat was gone and the monitor beside her was off. The tech didn’t seem convinced, but Jen insisted she had someone to take her home. Once the gel was wiped off her belly, Jen was eager to leave. She nodded through recommendations and was told they would call her if her tests came back with anything worth noting. An envelope of photos was placed in her hand, and she hurried out the door as soon as they let her. 

“So, how did it go!?” Judy lit up as Jen entered the waiting room. 

“Fine. I passed out.” 

“What? Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s go. Here,” Jen handed her the envelope with the photos. The faster they got out of there the better. 

Once they were in the car, Jen took a minute to breathe. The sound of the heartbeat echoed in her head. 

“Aww, they got such a good picture! You could never really see anything in mine, but yours has such a good side view.” Judy studied the photos carefully, grinning from ear to ear. Jen kept her eyes forward. “How is everything? Is the baby healthy?” 

Jen nodded. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine. It looks normal from what they could see.” When the photos were back in their envelope, she turned to look at Judy. “Sorry you had to sit there forever. I didn’t think it would take so long.” 

“That’s okay,” Judy promised. “I was on the phone the whole time anyway trying to figure things out.” She looked down into her lap. 

“What do you mean?” 

Judy frowned and bit her bottom lip. 

“I have to move out of my room. Angela from work called. They need the space, and I totally understand, but...” She had nowhere else to go. 

“That’s bullshit. They shouldn’t kick you out!” 

“It’s okay.” 

“No, it isn’t, Judy. They should have at least made sure you had other arrangements first. You’re having a baby for fuck’s sake.” Anger bubbled in Jen’s chest. There was an obvious solution, but anyone doing wrong by Judy pissed her off. “You’ll come live with me then.” 

“What?” Judy’s voice was soft. She immediately shook her head. “I can’t do that. I wouldn’t want to intrude...” 

“You wouldn’t be intruding. There’s three bedrooms in my house I don’t even use. Besides, you’re over all the time anyway.” 

“Yeah, but...” 

“Shut up,” Jen smiled. “C’mon. I want you to.” 

The last thing Judy wanted was to be a burden, but if Jen wanted her, she couldn’t say no. 

“Okay.” 

“Let’s go get your shit.” 

\- 

Judy convinced Jen to stay in the car. She didn’t have a lot of things to pack, and she got the feeling that if Jen saw the right person, she might tell them off for kicking her out in the first place. On the way to her room, Judy felt light on her feet. She was going to _live_ with Jen. Every morning she would wake up ,and Jen would be there. Judy wondered what she could possibly do to pay her back; Jen had already given her so much just by being her friend. Grateful didn’t come close to what she felt. 

She hummed as she cleared the dresser of all her little trinkets, already dreaming up what her new life would look like. Jen would warm up to the idea of motherhood. Judy knew she would be an amazing mother; she just couldn't see it yet. They could go shopping together, set up the nursery, maybe even pick out a name. Judy had plenty of names picked out already, perhaps Jen would like one enough to use it. 

Only one thing stood in the way of her dream. 

Judy packed her toiletries and started unloading her dresser into a duffle bag. She moved quickly, not wanting to keep Jen waiting, but slowed as she reached the bottom right drawer. There was only one item of clothing left, and Judy took in a breath as she eased open the drawer. It was a long cotton nightgown, blue with little lambs printed all over it. Her eyes began to water as she held it up, unable to look at anything but the dark red stain in the middle of the fabric. 

The memory from two months earlier came back all too easily. Judy woke to pain tugging at her abdomen. She stretched, but something felt wrong. When she pulled back the blankets, fresh blood stained her nightgown, and she choked back a sob. Not again. _Not again_. 

Four miscarriages. She thought it would be it this time, but no matter how much Judy loved her babies, she couldn’t make them stay.

**Author's Note:**

> Still new to the DTM fandom but couldn't resist once I had this idea. I have a decent amount of chapters planned, but we'll see where it takes me ;)
> 
> Forgive me, I haven't written anything in ages. 
> 
> My twitter handle is the same as my username here, come say hi!


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